On Edge
by Yayforgredandforge
Summary: It's Remus' first night at Hogwarts and he can't fall asleep. These are his thoughts.


_Hello to you, dear reader. After having a rather sleepless night myself, the idea for this little drabble came to me. I decided to go for something of a stream-of-consciousness style, and I would love to know what you, the reader, think._

_Disclaimer: I wish I owned a Remus Lupin to tell me his thoughts, but alas, alas, it all belongs to JKR.

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On edge. I'm on edge. There's no other way to describe it. I can't sleep, but I know I have to. How can I sleep when my mind won't quit? How can I sleep when the thoughts won't stop racing through my mind, when I can't calm down, can't bloody _relax_?

There are three other boys in this room. Three other people that I only just met, and now we are living within one room. There is someone that I do not know sleeping less than five feet away from me. How is it that I am expected to do the very same? How? How is that they expect me to sleep, to live in such close quarters when I have a secret, a huge (dark) secret? I have an act, a role, which I must constantly be playing.

I'm on edge: I can't let my guard down. I have to stay in character. But it's hard. Already it's hard and it's the very first night. Will it get easier? Maybe. I'm sure by the time I've been doing this for years this will be second nature, this act. But who am I kidding? How on earth am I going to make that long? How can I possibly do it when I can't even make it through the first night? It was a mistake to come here. Why am I here? This is a place for people who are _normal_, people who are actual _people_, and not dark, dangerous creatures who— stop.

I need to sleep. Go to sleep, right now. How's it going to look tomorrow when I have dark, disturbing bags under my eyes? It's not _normal_ for an eleven year old to look that way, I know that. Second day at Hogwarts and already people will be realizing that there is something wrong with me, something off…

But don't think about that now. Think about how I need to sleep, get to sleep right now because it is ridiculously late (four thirty-seven in the morning? How is that late?) and all _normal_ people sleep at such hours of the night. But I'm not normal, am I? Stop that. It's not helping, certainly not. And neither is thinking about how much I need to sleep. Of course. Everyone knows that is never helpful. I need a distraction, to focus on something else, anything that will push all these racing thoughts away, take away the edge.

Maybe, maybe if I focus on a word, just one word. What word, then? First word that comes to mind. _Werewolf_. Bloody perfect; that should _certainly_ me relax. Gods, I can't even think of a normal _word._ Okay, let's try another. _Book_. Yes, those are safe, can't be too much harm there. _Book_. I can see the word in my mind, just focus on it, yes. Think about each letter, the way that the B rises straight up on one side and then curves down around the other, jutting out again before it reaches the bottom… and now the O, the way it—On edge. I'm on edge.

What if one of the other boys in the dormitory wakes up during the night, wakes up before me in the morning and sees me? What if they see something that gives me away? What if there is a gap in the curtains around my bed? What if my blankets shift and my shirt rides up and they see my scars? What will they think? _Normal_ people don't have scars like that, no they do not. How am I supposed to sleep, how am I supposed to let my guard down, become defenseless, when there are _three other people_ sleeping just on the other side of my bed hangings? Three other people who could find out what I am, see the real me behind my act and run screaming for my expulsion before I've even had my first lesson. My mother's face, so sad. My father, trying to hide his disappointment. And Professor Dumbledore, who worked so hard to get me here.

Gods, I need to sleep, but these thoughts, these images, I just cannot get them out of my head. I just want to see black, to see nothing, to drift off into restful dreams free of accusations, devoid of looks of fear and disappointment. Is that so much to ask? Apparently it is.

But do I really deserve such things? I should be glad that I'm just here at this school at all. I knew that it wouldn't be easy, that it would require a lot of strength on my part to make sure that I am not found out. I expected it, but now that I'm actually here, I don't know if I can handle it. Am I really that surprised; am I really all that shocked that I'm not going to be able to do this, that I'm going to let down everyone who worked so hard to get me here? I don't deserve this, I really don't. Hogwarts is for people like those sleeping across the room, for _normal_ people who sleep easily with the knowledge that they are _normal_, and _human beings_, rather than dark, bloodthirsty creatures— stop.

What happened to trying to get to sleep? What time is it now? It's bloody five twenty-bloody-one in the bloody morning. If I don't fall asleep now tomorrow is going to be Hell. I'm not going to be able to think straight. How am I going to be able to concentrate in any of my classes? All of the professors will see what a waste it was for me to come here, for Dumbledore (the look of disappointment again, I can see it) to waste so much effort in allowing a stupid (dangerous) _werewolf_ into his school. And that's just the classes. How can I expect to accurately play my role of normalcy if I can't keep my thoughts in order, if I can't even stay awake?

It's starting to get light out now, the sun will rise soon, and the night will be gone, as will my chance for sleep. How could I let this happen? Maybe I should just resign myself to the fact that I will not be getting any rest tonight. Maybe I should just get out this bed now, this horrible place where my thoughts never cease and my dreams never come. Is it late enough yet? Too early? Very soon it will be six a.m. Perhaps it is better if I "wake up" now anyway, so that I can avoid the three other boys in my dormitory, so that I can avoid coming into contact with anyone that will make my act, my role, more difficult to perform. I need time to prepare myself, to think through how, _what, _exactly (human) I need to be today.

Yes. I'll push back my covers; slowly, quietly pull back the bed hangings. Must be cautious. Hopefully no movements, no sounds from the three other boys in the dormitory. On tiptoes, then, I'll creep to my trunk, slowly, soundlessly gather my clothes for the day, and then rush, silently, to the bathroom, where I will get ready, behind a closed door, away from the incriminating eyes of the three other boys in the dormitory. And then I will quietly maneuver across the room in the grey early morning light, grab my school bag, exit the dormitory, and meet the hopefully empty corridors of the school. Yes. If this is what it takes, I will do it. If this is what it takes, I will learn to be _normal_, to be _human_.

Get up now, Remus. Today begins your education.


End file.
